A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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