took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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