Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
