If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
