i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
They are going to name an STD after you.
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