Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
