if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
