i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
How does one acquire holy water?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
