Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
