I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Randomize