I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
is wine microwaveable?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
