Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
well most of my day revolves around power hour
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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