so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
