Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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