I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
