Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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