rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
