i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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