how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
