no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
