Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
