i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I need moral support for this bender
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
