Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
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