I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
