we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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