I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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