I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
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