my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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