News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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