I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
are you so shy because you have an std?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
3pm strippers are depressing
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
