i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
