you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
