I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
