Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
