we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
