So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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