I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
