the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Randomize
