did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
