it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
