Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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