He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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