She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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