I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Randomize
