Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
