I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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