There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
