I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
