I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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