I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
