I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize