Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
