i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
