I must be too annoying 4 u.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
