I'm so fucking centered right now
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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