Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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