How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
